Internet and time.

I got on Instagram last night and did not even realize I was in the room with my husband for maybe 15 minutes. I just zoned out looking a photos. No body at all just a mind... photo... little heart... photo, little heart, ...wow that looks fun...photo little heart.... Look up...husband in recliner, cat passed out on her cardboard covered box. hmmm.

Where does all the time go.

How do I want to use my time?

Okay. So here I am writing on the internet. That may be okay but I find that instead of doing nothing I peak around on Facebook, Instagram, or Pinterest. I think I am looking for connection. Some sign that I matter in this big world. I know I matter to all the little living things that make up me. but what about the world outside of me.

I wonder does a person need to do nothing. Also what about spending time drawing or learning to play the guitar. Or talking to a neighbor.

I am puzzled about time and would love a guide, maybe a person who had wisdom on matters of body and mind and this technological age.



Today I planted a grape. It is a chardonnay. I had to dig up this stubborn root to get it in the ground. I hope it does well. I kind of freak out when bugs appear on my plants.
Heres to being a grown up.

How I can offer my energy to the world around me?

A few days have gone by and I have enjoyed the time off. I have had coffee with a friend. I have gone to thai chi. I have made good dinner, and pulled weeds in the yard. 

 However, I have looked at old journals and a theme has come up in my life when not working: loneliness. 

I have been contemplating on this idea and the conclusion is: my heart is thinking about what it can gain from the outside world and yet what I really want is somewhere I feel useful so I could instead focus on what I can give. 

I am most comfortable creating connection in person.

In the quiet of my little house I can only connect with the cat (if she feels like it). There is this feeling of waiting until I am employed then I can give my energy to others. 

Somehow I think that is a silly waste of my days. 

I have more to offer than comfort for the cat. 

But how do I begin to connect with the world I live in? 

• I have tried Coffee Shops (As my Papa said "Coffee in Portland coffee-shops is as much as a bag of coffee".) 
• I have tried libraries (Libraries are quiet so there is no "working together"). 
• I joined a volunteer agency (the coordinator stood me up three times so at some point I just gave up). 

I am sure there is someone, somewhere who needs a helping hand. I live a blessed life. I am not lonely but I a need to give to the world I live in. I think many women may age may do this by raising children. And yet I have heard some of them also say they are lonely and that loneliness stays if at a party or with others. 

Perhaps, just as in the Wiccan tradition, what we give out comes back to us. I will not claim loneliness I will claim time on my hands to help anyone who needs me. 

Change

My graduate education is done. The family visited and left. In fact, this morning I got up at three to see my Mom and Pop off. (Pretty darn early if you ask me). They were excited to beat the rush hour traffic. I went back to bed. 

It was lovely to have them all here. My niece Nikayla and my India family were missing in person, but they crossed my mind and heart as a walked across the stage. 

Today is the chapter page of my lives book. I do not have a simple linear story, mine is complex.  

Here are the old chapters: 

Chapter One: New tree, New baby, New Dad

Chapter Two: Playing with Bonnie, Baking cookies, Dancing in socks, Heidi.   

Chapter Three: Mancino's, Theater, and Marines

Chapter Four: Enlistment: The Air Force, Marriage, Divorce, Love, and Tommy Dog. 

Chapter Five: Cactus, Heat, Art School, Hikes, and Friendships. 

Chapter Six: Women's Movement, Jerry, and a Bachelors Degree.  

Chapter Seven: Self Discovery, Crone Friend, Hammock, Stars, Yoga, and Freedom. 

Chapter Eight: ESBF: Family work, pay checks, complex relationships, loving self and the dessert. 

Chapter Nine: Marriage, Lilly, India, Love, Loss, Lost 

Chapter Ten: Grad School 

Chapter Eleven: After Grad School. 

On today I see the big chapter number 11 and a small heading that says: 

After Grad School in a pretty script. 

The pages after this are empty. What is next? What to keep? What to get rid of? 

A woman I worked with at my last internship said something lovely: "Knowledge and education is just becoming more human, Your purpose is not just to be something like a "mail man" or a "social worker", it is a way of being in the world,  perhaps more compassionate ." 

Perhaps this chapter can say,

 After Grad School: Compassion, WE SHALL SEE. 

MY RAIN GUTTERS ARE LEAKING FROM THE MIDDLE AND IT HAS BEEN RAINING FOR DAYS.  

HERES TO BEING A GROWN UP.